got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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