im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
