if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
it's like heaven, but drunker
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Randomize
