I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
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