In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Randomize
