my phone needs a breathalizer
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
Randomize
