Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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