man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Randomize
