Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
