oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Randomize
