Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Green mimosas i think yes
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Randomize
