I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Randomize
