Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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