I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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