My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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