i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Randomize
