last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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