just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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