she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
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