Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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