I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
