U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
