My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
