I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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