i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
God I need to hump something, right now.
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