Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
