stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
