I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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