I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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