He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
