I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
The uberlube is also flammable
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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