Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
