What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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