I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
