I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Randomize
