She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
