Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
