She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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