help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I just gargled with NyQuil
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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