You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
her vagine was all disorganized.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
