I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
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