$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
