The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
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