Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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