Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Randomize
