the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Randomize
