the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
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