Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
