i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
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