I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
